Honor: 54 [ Give / Take ]
12 entries this month
06:47 Feb 28 2011
Times Read: 774
Tonight, Milky's tail ripped. The skin came off at the tip of it. The bone is still there. We cleaned it up and he's in Fancy's old cage. He's already showing signs of taking care of it and he's probably going to chew that part off. I'm sure of it. Good news is he doesn't seem to be in pain.
*sighs*
Aurora has her first packing change tomorrow, an appointment on Tuesday with her podiatrist, and another packing change on Wednesday.
Gas is the biggest issue. Brett goes to class two days out of the week. We go to my mom's a day or two of the week. That's it. Now we have at least three trips to take. It's only about 12 miles from here but it'll add up with the gas prices going up and up... and up!
We're turning cans in tomorrow, running a couple of errands for my mom, sending some mail out, etc., etc., etc.
No matter what I can take this on.
Once Aurora's foot is healed up properly... I have a plan to go into action.
Getting the 3 teeth pulled.
Talking to the Attorney General about my bill.
Applying to college and enrolling for the summer quarter.
Getting Aurora set up for daycare there and prepared for preschool.
=)
I got a plan. I'm strong now. I know I can say "no" and I know I don't have to do many things I don't want to.
I'm me. I'm my own person.
And I'm debating about changing my screen name on here to something for my new stage in life and my "character."
I need to get to bed. *yawns* I'm exhausted. I need to quit drinking so much milk. I need to start being able to take my sleep medication... but not until Aurora will leave her special shoe and bandages alone.
Night night.
05:06 Feb 26 2011
Times Read: 779
My poor baby is hurting bad. It's not keeping her down that much though. She has a cold therapy unit we have to get on her as much as possible. And she's taking Tylenol #3 tablets (.5 of it every 4 hours)... how the hell do they expect me to get a pill that tastes horrible into her mouth?!
Ugh! She won't even settle down for me. Brett's rocking her in the comfy chair.
We're sleeping in shifts to make sure she leaves the bandage alone.
She's definitely one of my heroes. Nothing holds her back.
=)
15:45 Feb 25 2011
Times Read: 787
I'm waiting the surgery waiting room to be able to go back to the recovering room. Aurora just came out of surgery about 15 minutes ago.
Her foot was pretty bad.
The area is about 3/4" or 1" deep. The doctor is prescribing her Tylenol #3 but he's being honest about that probably not even going to be able to touch the pain.
My poor baby.
Her packing has to be changed at the hospital every other day because of how deep it is. The risk of infection is huge so it needs to be done in a sterile setting.
I feel horrible. She's going to feel worse. I hate that I had to put her through this.
19:40 Feb 21 2011
Times Read: 795
We're keeping the dog, I think. We have to get her fixed. I've got to call the shelter tomorrow and get a voucher from them.
The dog has been whiny today. She's wet. She won't get in the dog box where it's dry. *sighs* Pooh, my last dog, was the same way.
Aurora didn't sleep at all last night. She still won't get up. I can't wait for them to open up her foot to see what's going on. This is insane.
23:16 Feb 20 2011
Times Read: 799
Things happen for a reason. A puppy has chosen us.
She's adorable. She was dropped off at our neighbor's house. We have to get her fixed. She's great with Aurora though!
I've been rating for a little bit so I'm getting back off. We only have one phone line so we can't get online for long periods of time.
I won't be on again until tomorrow night probably.
=)
Later.
03:19 Feb 20 2011
Times Read: 809
Going to play Hello Kitty and go to bed. Night.
=)
20:04 Feb 19 2011
Times Read: 814
It's really, really nice outside. The door is open with the screen door shut. It feels nice. *sighs* Relaxing.
I love when I can have the door open and the breezes coming in through the house.
Even if I can't go for a walk at the moment, I can enjoy the fresh air.
Aurora's napping. I'm taking a break from cleaning. Brett is cutting wood with the chainsaw.
It's nice.
Like I said, relaxing.
And we've seen Fatty McFat Fat and Skids lately. So we may get two of our cats back.
=)
I miss Skids insanely. I miss all of them.
And I feel like I'm in high school again from not being able to wait to hang out with Jared again.
I know why I was mean to him when I got drunk at the beginning of the month. He didn't deserve it. However, I won't apologize for it. I said what was and has been on my mind for over a year now... I finally said it. I got my anger out. I needed it and he knows it. He forgives me. I'm happy it's all been said and out in the open.
Once we get a puppy, we're not getting anymore animals.
We have two cats, four fish, four rats and one for Jared, and possibly two or more other cats if we can catch them.
=)
We did get another hairless MALE rat off of Brett's friend Matt because the other male rat was tearing him up. His name is Milky. So we have Truffles, Milky, and Patch. We haven't named the male haired rat yet. LOL!
I don't think we're getting a hamster for a while though. I miss my Fancy.
Surfing around and checking forums, then getting off.
Laters.
04:17 Feb 19 2011
Times Read: 821
Every day I do something just for me. Whether it is something small like enjoying a cup of tea or coloring or something more significant like taking a walk or zoning a little while on music.
I've always put people first before and other than my daughter, I won't.
Say if I can't deal with talking to my mother one day, I'll tell her I prefer not to talk to her but I'll call her when I feel up to it.
She doesn't like it but she understands where I'm coming from.
I'm healing.
She loves me and so she'll accept my decision and my space.
She knows I'm working through my past and some days I'm just not up to talking to people. I plan on talking to her about my past in depth one day.
In fact, I've actually had a decent conversation with my mother about the childhood sexual abuse that happened to me. She understands more now and I'm proud of myself and her.
I love my mother for trying to see where I'm coming from.
I plan on confronting one of my abusers later on.
My anger has shown through in my writings. I refuse to ever make Vampire Rave my life or my identity. Just like I refuse to base my self value or future on the sexual abuse I experienced when I was a child.
I'm a survivor.
I've earned the title of survivor.
I'll be damned if I let the memories win when I've made it through the abuse.
I refuse.
This is for me.
If someone has done me wrong somehow, I hold the power of choice to decide whether they're worth being in my life anymore or not.
It may seem selfish or like I'm a bitch but I'm looking out for my own self.
=)
I'm doing better, so much better.
I'm not fake. I won't lie about the abuse, to save someone's skin, or anything like that.
I don't give a crap about the feelings of someone who doesn't respect me enough to help me through the process of healing whether it's a friend, a lover, or a family member.
This is me. Flaws and all.
My scars are part of my beauty.
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This journal entry is meant for my one notebook. It's meant as an entry for there.
02:43 Feb 19 2011
Times Read: 824
The decision I've made on the situation coming up soon is it can wait. I have so many things I need to do before I can go back to college or even get a job.
The number one thing is being stable enough to handle the healthy amount of stress.
We got rid of nine rats this evening. I'm upset. They were my babies and I don't know who will get them. It hurts. But we can't keep 14 rats and keep up with everything else. We would have needed to get two more cages in the next month alone. Not to mention the 13 pounds of food they went through in about 16 days.
I did splurge a little and got a sifting cat litter pan this evening at the pet store for $14. I'm tired of scooping litter so often. It will make the days a lot nicer for me. Haha!
And yesterday, I got me some jeans, a belt, and two different perfumes. It was much needed.
Oh and I wanted to write more on Aurora's surgery next Friday.
It's a minor surgery on her foot.
We took her to the emergency room on January 4th for an infection on her foot that I got a splinter out of. I called her doctor's office, since there was two red streaks, they sent us to the ER.
They barely looked at it, gave her an antibiotic and told us to give her Motrin for pain. Few days later, I got another piece of something out of it.
After the antibiotic was done, the area started to fester again. I called her doctor and got an appointment set up.
He sent her to a podiatrist.
He sent us to Columbus to get her an MRI done since she had to be put to sleep.
She never got it done. The tech called the podiatrist and he changed the order for an ultrasound.
On the ultrasound, it revealed an absence in her foot the size of a pencil eraser. There's no way to tell whether it's a pus pocket of something of that nature unless it's opened up.
She's been screaming almost every night from pain and some days she won't step on it.
We've decided to put her through the surgery.
I'm nervous about my baby being put to sleep but this needs to be done before the really nice weather hits. There will be no holding her back from the dirt and mud then.
She'll be down for at least a few days before it starts healing some.
She's a trooper.
♥
10:31 Feb 18 2011
Times Read: 828
It's weird for Aurora not to be home. My mom and stepdad took her for the night.
I feel weird though and can't sleep.
At least I got out with Brett tonight and had some fun!
♥
We went to Jared's place, hung out with him, Justin, and Rob, played M:tG and had some drinks and Taco Bell. Yummm...
We're planning on possibly starting a D&D campaign sometime soon. I'm excited.
I miss hanging out with Jared and Justin. I'm disappointed that we had to take Justin home though. *grumbles*
There will be other times like this.
It's not the same without my best friend not here anymore but her spirit will always be with me.
On the 7th of this month, it had been a year since Courtney passed away. I've survived the year and I don't plan on ever letting that woman leave my heart or stray too far from my memories.
I love you, Courtney.
I can do this though. I have always pulled through situations. I'm getting control of my life again. I can do this.
1. Conscious decisions to prove to myself I can trust my gut and intuition.
2. Putting my daughter and me before anyone else.
3. Getting out and getting over fears with logic and stubbornness.
4. Heck, I'm a survivor. My past proves that to me. I need no more acknowledgment from anyone else.
=)
Anyway, it's been a fun as heck night. I've so missed being around Jared. God, I'm happy to be able to go and just chill when he's off and I'm able.
Last time there, I got drunk off of my ass.
Bad... bad... bad...
Stupid decision. Bad timing. Way too much on my mind.
No more over drinking. No more MD 20/20 before dates that are somehow important to me.
I still don't know what I'm going to do in the near future with college or the job thing.
I need to get three teeth pulled after Aurora's surgery, get in to see the neurologist, possibly change my primary doctor, and work more on me and my priorities.
There's more but I can't think at the moment too much. I'm exhausted and we have to get Aurora at 11 but I just can't sleep.
Internet. It's finally sinking in that we have internet again.
19:38 Feb 17 2011
Times Read: 832
I'm torn right now. We have the internet. I can reapply to ITT at the moment to get back into it during March. But if I go with ITT, I won't see any of the Pell Grant money which would help out with stress levels.
I've been planning on getting a part-time job sometime in Spring so I can see if I can handle it with my anxiety.
My anxiety, itself, is at a much better level.
I'm doing so much better.
I'm proud of myself and I can go out to stores and things now. I still can't do so by myself when my anxiety is up but I have been able to drive by myself and also go into stores by myself when it's a manageable level.
That's more than I've been able to do.
=)
But I also have a bill for $3,000 something with another college from where my scholarship fell through.
It's at a bill collector and from what everyone is telling me, it means they've been paid because it can't be sent up the line any further. It's at the attorney general.
Well, if I apply there, I may get accepted. I would see some Pell Grant money to help with the bill and I would be in a classroom setting again.
I'm scared of failing no matter which way I go on this. I'm terrified of it to be exact.
*sighs*
I'm going to think about my options.
A part-time job to see if I can handle it wouldn't cost me anything. I'm thinking it is still my best shot to find out. I don't want to jump into something that I can't handle at the moment.
After all, it's about what is best for my daughter and me.
I want to make more progress before I make a decision.
I want to talk it over with some of my closer friends and family members.
17:27 Feb 17 2011
Times Read: 836
We now have dial up at home. It's heaven sent for me right now. My nerves are shot but I've been doing so much better. Aurora has to get surgery on her foot next Friday (the 25th).
=(
I'm upset about it.
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